I'm writing this at about 5 AM...I can't sleep right now. At first I couldn't sleep because of the recent invasion of my cozy little apartment by a stink bug...he's gone now, but I'm sure there must be more of his kind lurking around, thirsty for blood (yes, I just found out they bite) and vengeance. But now even that's (more or less) fading into the background as another issue takes precedence in the "keeping me up WAY past my bedtime" scheme. As some of you may know, I'm planning to co-write a book about dating and relationships someday. That said, I am *extremely* interested in all topics related to dating, courtship, marriage, sex, love, romance, and so on. Tonight (and for a while now) I've been researching and thinking about different kinds of sexual sin.
Sexual sin is...different...than any other kind of sin, somehow, at least for humans to deal with. I don't think any other kind of sin feels so shameful to us when we are at last convicted of our wrongs. As a result, Christians don't like to talk about our sexual sin. We keep it hidden. We don't discuss it, or if we do, it's in abstract terms about "oh, yeah, all men struggle with lust sometimes" or "purity in relationships is challenging." But we don't get personal about it. In my experience, the Church really doesn't even like to talk about sex beyond the occasional "hey, save that for marriage, folks." Lately I've been coming to the conclusion that this is one of the greatest and most tragic failings of the modern evangelical church.
I think that in God's eyes, sin is sin. Without the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ covering us, God sees us all as fallen sinners - not only the married man who has an affair, but also the six-year old child who disobeys her father when he tells her to go to bed and she refuses. I think maybe one of the biggest reasons that sexual sin is prominent in today's culture and so hard to conquer is that we treat it so differently than other kinds of sin. There is a certain stigma attached to sexual sin in the church that we don't really see with other kinds of sin, and I think this attitude is really screwing up the evangelical church (n.b. I think that in many ways, sexual sin is more difficult to recover from than other kinds of sin, but I think this is at least in great part due to our treatment of it, not just its inherent qualities...maybe I'll write more on this another time).
When a person commits any kind of sin, it is good and right for him or her to feel some sort of guilt - this is the work of the Holy Spirit in convicting us of our sins. But when a person commits a sexual sin, he or she usually feels something more than this true guilt the Holy Spirit places on our hearts. We as Christians view sexual sin as something so loathsome and dirty and shameful, that we aren't comfortable talking about it to each other. In doing so, we give this kind of sin extraordinary power over us. A sin will not disappear, no matter how many times we feel guilt and shame over it and pray for God to help us conquer it, if it remains hidden in darkness. It is only when we expose our sins to the light of the holy Scriptures and to Christian fellowship and to God's grace that we will ever be able to cast it out of our lives.
This is hard to do.
We in the Church are so scared of admitting to specific sexual sins. But until we do this, these sins will hold power over us.
In addition to losing their hold on us, we also need to expose sexual sins to the light as an example for our brothers and sisters in Christ, especially young believers.
Right now, the Church is failing miserably at educating its young people about sex. At least in the churches I went to growing up, we never really talked about sex beyond "having sex before marriage is bad.....now sign this abstinence pledge so we don't have to worry about you or talk to you about this anymore." People didn't talk about pornography and struggles with homosexuality and masturbation and the like. This is just tragic.
I've had several conversations in my life with guys and girls who struggle with sexual purity. I've definitely had my own struggles with purity at times. Our culture is completely saturated with sex and pornography and acceptance of giving in to whatever desires you have, so it shouldn't be surprising that so many people struggle in this area. The mainstream entertainment industry and the pornography industry are more closely related now than they have ever been before. The internet has made accessing pornographic materials easier than ever before. And yet the Church is still barely addressing these issues. So many of the people I have talked to about these things are confused - confused about how far is too far to go physically with someone you're not married to, confused about whether or not masturbation is wrong, confused about how to handle the ridiculous amount of sex the media is *dumping* upon us. And this is so, so disturbing to me. The Church is failing - it is letting its young people down, and so they remain confused and unsure about what is right and what is wrong, about what is okay and what is not, and so they falter and are unsure about what to do with all these situations which inundate them on a daily basis.
Satan is using this fear and discomfort and awkwardness and shame to deter the Church from its mission. The Enemy is so good at whispering lies to us, at telling us that what we have done is too bad for Jesus to save us, but this is not true! We need to understand that Jesus' blood covers a multitude of sins, even sexual ones! We need to comprehend that no sin is too great or shameful or dark or disgusting for us to be saved!
It's almost 6 AM now, and I have an exam in a few hours, so I really need to stop writing now. I'm sure I'll write more about this sometime, but for now, let me just say:
I *urge* the Church as a whole to step up on this issue, not to shy away from a topic just because it is uncomfortable.
I *urge* Christian men to take leadership in the fight for sexual purity and not to leave physical boundaries up to the decision of the women they date.
I *urge* both Christian men and women who have struggled (and/or continue to struggle) with sexual purity not to be weighed down with false guilt about their sins and forced by the Enemy into feeling like they need to keep their sins secret, but instead to speak without feelings of fear and condemnation (because of the Spirit, who gives life and freedom) - to openly share their struggles with the knowledge that Christ's power brings healing, as well as the understanding that it is only through talking openly about these things that we can make any progress in this realm.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I'm really failing at titles today...
A few weeks ago, we did a responsive reading of Ephesians 2 in church. As the congregation read our part, I found myself suddenly in awe of how extraordinarily DULL we sounded. We pronounced the words slowly and almost in a monotone. We followed along and said our part when it was our turn, and waited in obedient silence as the pastor read his parts. As we droned on, it seriously struck me as completely ridiculous...
At what point did Christianity stop being revolutionary?
When Jesus was beginning his ministry, He walked around and preached the gospel. And people dropped EVERYTHING they were doing and followed Him. Even those who eventually had to go back to their daily tasks and lives went back CHANGED. Even in their families and workplaces, they did not keep quiet about this Jesus they had seen and heard. And so news about Jesus spread all over and many others came to hear Him preach.
At what point did Christianity stop being revolutionary?
I'm currently in a Bible study going through the book of Acts. We read Acts 1 for tonight. In verse 6 of this chapter, Jesus' disciples question Him - "Lord, are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?" Jesus responds by saying that it is not theirs to know. Then He tells them, "...you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth" (verse 8). Reading this, two things really struck me: first of all, these disciples could hardly wait for Jesus to bring the Kingdom to its full measure on earth. Granted, they were definitely confused about what this meant, but the point is they were positively *aching* for it to happen. Second, to a large extent, the disciples FULFILLED this command to be witnesses that Jesus gave them despite that at this time, traveling to "Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth" was HARD.
At what point did Christianity stop being revolutionary?
I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. It seems like this question has been coming up in my mind over and over again over the last few months. I don't know if it's just a problem with Western Christianity or what...maybe we've gotten too comfortable living in nations that don't persecute us...but I mean, come on!!! At what point did Christianity stop being revolutionary???
I think most Christians have a time in their lives when Christianity finally hits them as really revolutionary. This is usually at the time of conversion. Their sin hits them for the first time in a real way. They see their own guilt. And then they realize that *GOD* died so that they wouldn't have to. And it's incredible to them. Fast forward a few years or even a few months, and so much of that disbelief and awe and sense of worship toward a God who loves us so much even though we have never done anything but spit in His face, is gone. That's just one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever heard.
Now, I'm not saying I haven't done this. I have. I still do. I've been in a Christian school of some kind for the last 13 years of my life...and it's really easy to lose your sense of wonder when you spend all of your time hearing arguments about predestination vs. free will, and to what extent is or isn't communion a symbol, and eschatological debates . I guess I just kind of feel that, like the church in Ephesus, so much of Western Christianity has lost its first love (see Revelation 2:1-7). We go to church once a week, we even go to Bible studies and Sunday School. We tithe. We help out as greeters or ushers in church every now and then. We even go on short-term missions trips. We can even quote Scripture! - we can rattle off John 3:16 or whatever else at breakneck speeds, but in a monotone, and without giving a passing thought to the words we're speaking. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." At what point did the message that this verse encapsulates stop being revolutionary? At what point did we stop realizing what this meant???
But so much of the time...the message of the gospel has stopped being revolutionary to us. And that's so tragic. I don't know what else to say........looking back over this post, it seems SO depressing. But I guess my thought here is....it doesn't have to be. Just as in Revelation, we read that the church in Ephesus could be redeemed by listening to what the Spirit was saying, so also can we be redeemed from this tragedy by rediscovering the revolutionary nature of the gospel.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The thorn in my side...
I recently spent some time (yes, when I should have been studying) re-reading over a lot of the Xanga that I kept my senior year of high school. Doing stuff like that always makes me nostalgic, but this time was more complicated than it usually is. Normally it's like "ohhhhh, I miss these people and all these awesome and hilarious times"...but this time, there were definitely some darker elements mixed in. You see, senior year of high school is when I started having issues with my shoulder. That said, reading entries about how my shoulder really hurt...how I had to drop out of some musical commitments because I didn't want to make things worse...how I was struggling with what to do because I NEEDED to play for my auditions, some competitions, a variety show, the odd recital or two, and even graduation...how even though there was a lot of pain, I never imagined that it would never go away. I can't describe how re-living this experience through reading these posts and remembering how I felt at the time affected me. This all started over four-and-a-half YEARS ago. It seems like another lifetime. On the one hand, it really hurts to remember these times, because I had such optimism and such confidence that of course I was going to be able to play piano for the rest of my life, and of course I was going to pursue organ even further and eventually become a church organist. Now those things seem completely impossible. I mean, yeah, I'll probably play piano occasionally (albeit mostly as needed for private teaching and classroom use, composing, and the like). And sure, I might play organ in churches every so often...a friend's wedding here, a church service there. I might even take a semester of organ lessons at Penn State. But honestly, at this point...that's all I really have hope for in the future. I guess I've known this for a long time, but putting it into writing is really difficult. And reading and remembering what playing used to be to me...just...wow.
So let me take you, my readers, back on a little journey, to a former favorite place of mine known as Practice Room #2 (you see, my high school had 3 practice rooms, and during my senior year, they were basically claimed by three of us seniors...my claim was on the second one). I spent SO many hours in Practice Room #2. To me, it wasn't just a place to play scales and practice repertoire. It was a hangout spot in the mornings before school, with a bunch of us who got there early often gathering around to hang out and play around and sometimes sing popular or Broadway songs. It was a place of long conversations with close, close friends during study halls, with topics ranging from the serious to the utterly hilarious (from word association games to comic strips about Italian leather). It was a place of refuge during the middle of a rough day, where I could come pour my soul out onto that Baldwin's (I think it was a Baldwin) keys, letting my fingers do the thinking as I let drop by drop of my deepest self spill into improvised strains, almost inevitably gravitating towards f minor. I taught my first piano students in that room, embracing with verve the puzzle of figuring out each child's learning style, what motivated them, and how to help them fall in love with music as I once had.
I loved Practice Room #2, and everything that it represented.
And yet...
My senior year of high school, I worshipped music. There, I admitted it. I am an idolater. Music is inherently passionate. In all my conversations on the subject with friends and peers throughout the course of many years, I've realized that it is this very thing which is in some ways so amazing about this pursuit that makes music such a difficult art to wield. On the one hand, there is no command given more times in Scripture than that of worshipping God with music. On the other hand, music, like all other earthly pursuits, has been damaged by the entrance of sin into the world. And so it lures its students to bow at its feet, to view music as an end to itself, rather than a means of worshipping the Creator of music. That said, I worshipped music. That's not to say that it was intentional or conscious. And it's not to say that it was constant. But time and again, my senior year of high school, I found myself turning to music when things were difficult - turning to the created art rather than the Creator. I think if most serious musicians were honest with themselves, they'd realize how difficult a thing this is. I think to some extent all of us struggle with this, but it can be so hard to recognize.
Anyway, to get back on the main subject...my senior year of high school was, I think, the most music-centered year of my life thus far. Now, that's not to say that I spent the most hours of my life on music, or that I took the most music-related classes, or anything like that. It was, however, the year of my life when I was most passionate about music...but it was also the year where music started to be taken away from me. That seems like an odd statement, considering I graduated from Wheaton this past May with a double major in music composition and music history, and considering I'm now pursuing a master's degree in music history and theory. If anything, my life should be more consumed with music now than it was back in high school, where I was juggling AP Euro, AP English Lit, Spanish, Physics, Discrete Math, Apologetics, and Contemporary Issues in Christianity classes. If we're talking about the sheer percentage of time I spent on things, then yes, my life is more music-consumed now than it was then. But as far as my attitude goes...back then, music was one of the most important things in my life. I was falling more and more in love with it every day. I couldn't imagine life without it. And now...well...to be honest, I'm toying with the idea of a career change. That's not to say that music isn't important, and it's not to say that I don't love music. But I think God's been helping me to get past the near obsession that I was falling into senior year. And I think a lot of the way He's done that is through my shoulder injuries.
For those of my readers (all like...one of you who probably actually reads this haha) who don't know, my pain started around the start of the second semester during my senior year of high school. Back then, it was occasional pain, and it was only in my left shoulder. Granted, it could be really bad at times - or at least what I then considered to be bad, which I now know to be pretty mild - but it wasn't there all the time, it was pretty localized, and the concept of it being a lifelong problem was completely foreign to me. When it started, I tried some massage, some acupuncture, some heat patches, etc. Nothing really helped much, but I got through the end of senior year, with all of its many auditions and recitals and competitions and other performances. When I started at Wheaton, I was placed with a teacher who is often really good at helping people with pain issues. I completely re-learned all my technique. I spent hours practicing slow rotations. I started chiropractic treatment. I even saw a performance medicine specialist in Chicago. Again, nothing got rid of the pain. Sophomore year, things were only getting worse and worse. I tried more treatments. Things didn't improve. The pain got so bad that I eventually decided to take a semester off of lessons, during which I barely touched a piano. Junior year, things were much the same. More treatments, no improvements, and another semester taken off of lessons. And senior year was the same story. I finally finished my five-semester requirement for piano lessons, miraculously getting through the final semester barely playing more than an hour or so a week most of the time. During these three years, I tried more chiropractors, physical therapy, active release therapy, massage, acupuncture, cortisone injections, trigger point injections, lidocaine injections, took about 40 vitamins and supplements a day for about three months, got an EMG to check for nerve damage, experimented with multiple kinds of pain medication, got I think 4 or 5 MRI's, had like 4 gallons of blood taken for tests, and on, and on, and on. The sheer amount of time spent looking for a solution and the sheer amount of doctors and specialists and therapists &c. seen are just overwhelming. I saw doctors who have helped the Chicago Bulls, the White Sox, etc., etc. But none of them could help me. I went through a few diagnoses, a few scary moments of people thinking that something super-serious and even life-threatening could be wrong, and then finally someone diagnosed me as having myofascial trigger points, which are basically taut rope-like bands that form on the fascia of the muscles, weakening them, and the other muscles try to help out, and it can be a big domino effect. That's like the reader's digest version, basically. If you want a full definition, check Wikipedia, or maybe try Travell and Simon's multiple tomes on the subject (I actually have read a lot of the pertinent sections of the latter, and don't really recommend them...I'd stick with wikipedia if I were you haha).
So...needless to say, this has been one of the most challenging issues of my life. I have struggled with God on this subject so many times. I have struggled with human relationships in light of this problem so many times. I still struggle with both of those things. Sometimes, it's hard to trust God about this. Sometimes, I get really frustrated with other people for not caring enough or for not remembering my doctor's appointments or for not understanding or for whatever else. I can't even fathom how many tears I've shed over this, whether they're tears of sheer pain, or frustration, or tears to mourn the loss of such a big area of my musical life, or whatever else.
But God is at work, and so He has been since this problem started.
Sometimes I have seen that clearly; other times I haven't been able to see it past the frustration and the pain.
My last blog entry talked briefly about Jesus redeeming the tragedies of life. How true that is of this story! Now, that's not to say that I *feel* this way all the time. There are times when it just hurts so much not to be able to play like I used to. I mean, think about it - how many THOUSANDS hours have I spent practicing in my life? To be honest, a lot of the time, I wonder if all those hours were just a waste, seeing as I probably won't ever be able to play seriously again. But despite all of that...I *know* that Jesus is redeeming and will continue to redeem this tragedy in my life. I know it because of how it's forced me to depend on Him and not music - for how could I continue to idolize something that caused me so much misery? I know it because of how it's forced me to depend on Him and not other people - I have almost never felt more alone than when I was going to some of these really serious, possibly life-altering doctor's appointments in Chicago, and it seemed like NO ONE remembered or cared...to me, each one was a new terror, another chance for the doctors who seemed to hold my future in their hands to fail me yet again...and it seemed like to everyone else, it was of no importance. I felt so utterly alone so many times. Often facing a doctor with a team of assistants by myself, I had to fight back tears as they told me yet again that what we were trying wasn't working, and they didn't know why. And I felt so alone. But God was there. As emotionally tormenting as those times were, and as difficult as things often still are, He drew me close to Him through them.
God also gave me the opportunity to speak into the lives of others struggling with injuries, especially musicians. I pray that He continues to do so, that my testimony might be helpful to others, despite the fact that it doesn't have a "happy ending" yet, and that it might never have one.
At this point, I feel like I don't really worship music anymore. I can't ascribe reasons to why God has placed this thorn in my side. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, and His ways are higher than my ways. Thank goodness for that. But I can say that God has worked through this in a number of ways, from drawing me closer to Him to making me depend more and more on Him (and less and less on music and people).
Reliving a lot of this through my xanga and journal entries and the like, I realize that if I had known that all of this was going to happen back senior year of high school, it would have broken me. Music was my passion, my future...Practice Room #2 was my sanctuary...it would have crushed me to know that there would be a point in time, only a few years down the road, where I would go MONTHS without so much as TOUCHING a piano. But God sustained me through each heart-rending step of the journey to where I am now. And He will continue to sustain me through whatever is next. As painful as this journey has been, it has been such an incredible growth experience. Even though I certainly wouldn't have chosen this path, I would not be who I am today if I had not had to struggle through this. Another thing my recent perusal of Xanga reminded me of is this verse, that my dear friend Julie wrote to me once: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). How true that is, and how wonderful to think that we can worship and follow God, who both determines our steps and redeems our tragedies! Praise the LORD.
So let me take you, my readers, back on a little journey, to a former favorite place of mine known as Practice Room #2 (you see, my high school had 3 practice rooms, and during my senior year, they were basically claimed by three of us seniors...my claim was on the second one). I spent SO many hours in Practice Room #2. To me, it wasn't just a place to play scales and practice repertoire. It was a hangout spot in the mornings before school, with a bunch of us who got there early often gathering around to hang out and play around and sometimes sing popular or Broadway songs. It was a place of long conversations with close, close friends during study halls, with topics ranging from the serious to the utterly hilarious (from word association games to comic strips about Italian leather). It was a place of refuge during the middle of a rough day, where I could come pour my soul out onto that Baldwin's (I think it was a Baldwin) keys, letting my fingers do the thinking as I let drop by drop of my deepest self spill into improvised strains, almost inevitably gravitating towards f minor. I taught my first piano students in that room, embracing with verve the puzzle of figuring out each child's learning style, what motivated them, and how to help them fall in love with music as I once had.
I loved Practice Room #2, and everything that it represented.
And yet...
My senior year of high school, I worshipped music. There, I admitted it. I am an idolater. Music is inherently passionate. In all my conversations on the subject with friends and peers throughout the course of many years, I've realized that it is this very thing which is in some ways so amazing about this pursuit that makes music such a difficult art to wield. On the one hand, there is no command given more times in Scripture than that of worshipping God with music. On the other hand, music, like all other earthly pursuits, has been damaged by the entrance of sin into the world. And so it lures its students to bow at its feet, to view music as an end to itself, rather than a means of worshipping the Creator of music. That said, I worshipped music. That's not to say that it was intentional or conscious. And it's not to say that it was constant. But time and again, my senior year of high school, I found myself turning to music when things were difficult - turning to the created art rather than the Creator. I think if most serious musicians were honest with themselves, they'd realize how difficult a thing this is. I think to some extent all of us struggle with this, but it can be so hard to recognize.
Anyway, to get back on the main subject...my senior year of high school was, I think, the most music-centered year of my life thus far. Now, that's not to say that I spent the most hours of my life on music, or that I took the most music-related classes, or anything like that. It was, however, the year of my life when I was most passionate about music...but it was also the year where music started to be taken away from me. That seems like an odd statement, considering I graduated from Wheaton this past May with a double major in music composition and music history, and considering I'm now pursuing a master's degree in music history and theory. If anything, my life should be more consumed with music now than it was back in high school, where I was juggling AP Euro, AP English Lit, Spanish, Physics, Discrete Math, Apologetics, and Contemporary Issues in Christianity classes. If we're talking about the sheer percentage of time I spent on things, then yes, my life is more music-consumed now than it was then. But as far as my attitude goes...back then, music was one of the most important things in my life. I was falling more and more in love with it every day. I couldn't imagine life without it. And now...well...to be honest, I'm toying with the idea of a career change. That's not to say that music isn't important, and it's not to say that I don't love music. But I think God's been helping me to get past the near obsession that I was falling into senior year. And I think a lot of the way He's done that is through my shoulder injuries.
For those of my readers (all like...one of you who probably actually reads this haha) who don't know, my pain started around the start of the second semester during my senior year of high school. Back then, it was occasional pain, and it was only in my left shoulder. Granted, it could be really bad at times - or at least what I then considered to be bad, which I now know to be pretty mild - but it wasn't there all the time, it was pretty localized, and the concept of it being a lifelong problem was completely foreign to me. When it started, I tried some massage, some acupuncture, some heat patches, etc. Nothing really helped much, but I got through the end of senior year, with all of its many auditions and recitals and competitions and other performances. When I started at Wheaton, I was placed with a teacher who is often really good at helping people with pain issues. I completely re-learned all my technique. I spent hours practicing slow rotations. I started chiropractic treatment. I even saw a performance medicine specialist in Chicago. Again, nothing got rid of the pain. Sophomore year, things were only getting worse and worse. I tried more treatments. Things didn't improve. The pain got so bad that I eventually decided to take a semester off of lessons, during which I barely touched a piano. Junior year, things were much the same. More treatments, no improvements, and another semester taken off of lessons. And senior year was the same story. I finally finished my five-semester requirement for piano lessons, miraculously getting through the final semester barely playing more than an hour or so a week most of the time. During these three years, I tried more chiropractors, physical therapy, active release therapy, massage, acupuncture, cortisone injections, trigger point injections, lidocaine injections, took about 40 vitamins and supplements a day for about three months, got an EMG to check for nerve damage, experimented with multiple kinds of pain medication, got I think 4 or 5 MRI's, had like 4 gallons of blood taken for tests, and on, and on, and on. The sheer amount of time spent looking for a solution and the sheer amount of doctors and specialists and therapists &c. seen are just overwhelming. I saw doctors who have helped the Chicago Bulls, the White Sox, etc., etc. But none of them could help me. I went through a few diagnoses, a few scary moments of people thinking that something super-serious and even life-threatening could be wrong, and then finally someone diagnosed me as having myofascial trigger points, which are basically taut rope-like bands that form on the fascia of the muscles, weakening them, and the other muscles try to help out, and it can be a big domino effect. That's like the reader's digest version, basically. If you want a full definition, check Wikipedia, or maybe try Travell and Simon's multiple tomes on the subject (I actually have read a lot of the pertinent sections of the latter, and don't really recommend them...I'd stick with wikipedia if I were you haha).
So...needless to say, this has been one of the most challenging issues of my life. I have struggled with God on this subject so many times. I have struggled with human relationships in light of this problem so many times. I still struggle with both of those things. Sometimes, it's hard to trust God about this. Sometimes, I get really frustrated with other people for not caring enough or for not remembering my doctor's appointments or for not understanding or for whatever else. I can't even fathom how many tears I've shed over this, whether they're tears of sheer pain, or frustration, or tears to mourn the loss of such a big area of my musical life, or whatever else.
But God is at work, and so He has been since this problem started.
Sometimes I have seen that clearly; other times I haven't been able to see it past the frustration and the pain.
My last blog entry talked briefly about Jesus redeeming the tragedies of life. How true that is of this story! Now, that's not to say that I *feel* this way all the time. There are times when it just hurts so much not to be able to play like I used to. I mean, think about it - how many THOUSANDS hours have I spent practicing in my life? To be honest, a lot of the time, I wonder if all those hours were just a waste, seeing as I probably won't ever be able to play seriously again. But despite all of that...I *know* that Jesus is redeeming and will continue to redeem this tragedy in my life. I know it because of how it's forced me to depend on Him and not music - for how could I continue to idolize something that caused me so much misery? I know it because of how it's forced me to depend on Him and not other people - I have almost never felt more alone than when I was going to some of these really serious, possibly life-altering doctor's appointments in Chicago, and it seemed like NO ONE remembered or cared...to me, each one was a new terror, another chance for the doctors who seemed to hold my future in their hands to fail me yet again...and it seemed like to everyone else, it was of no importance. I felt so utterly alone so many times. Often facing a doctor with a team of assistants by myself, I had to fight back tears as they told me yet again that what we were trying wasn't working, and they didn't know why. And I felt so alone. But God was there. As emotionally tormenting as those times were, and as difficult as things often still are, He drew me close to Him through them.
God also gave me the opportunity to speak into the lives of others struggling with injuries, especially musicians. I pray that He continues to do so, that my testimony might be helpful to others, despite the fact that it doesn't have a "happy ending" yet, and that it might never have one.
At this point, I feel like I don't really worship music anymore. I can't ascribe reasons to why God has placed this thorn in my side. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, and His ways are higher than my ways. Thank goodness for that. But I can say that God has worked through this in a number of ways, from drawing me closer to Him to making me depend more and more on Him (and less and less on music and people).
Reliving a lot of this through my xanga and journal entries and the like, I realize that if I had known that all of this was going to happen back senior year of high school, it would have broken me. Music was my passion, my future...Practice Room #2 was my sanctuary...it would have crushed me to know that there would be a point in time, only a few years down the road, where I would go MONTHS without so much as TOUCHING a piano. But God sustained me through each heart-rending step of the journey to where I am now. And He will continue to sustain me through whatever is next. As painful as this journey has been, it has been such an incredible growth experience. Even though I certainly wouldn't have chosen this path, I would not be who I am today if I had not had to struggle through this. Another thing my recent perusal of Xanga reminded me of is this verse, that my dear friend Julie wrote to me once: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). How true that is, and how wonderful to think that we can worship and follow God, who both determines our steps and redeems our tragedies! Praise the LORD.
:')
Before I post my next entry, I thought it would be a good time to introduce my favorite emoticon ever: :')
I think it was my son, Ginny, who first introduced me to this one. We use it for when we see God's love or power or whatever else in such a way that it makes us cry with joy. I'll probably use it a lot in the future of this blog... :)
I think it was my son, Ginny, who first introduced me to this one. We use it for when we see God's love or power or whatever else in such a way that it makes us cry with joy. I'll probably use it a lot in the future of this blog... :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Brokenness...
Every now and then, the reality of life hits me. I'm not talking about the fact that I now have to pay rent and my electric and internet and credit card and medical bills and that kind of thing, I'm talking about how life isn't right. This is not how God designed for His children to be. I think I forget that most of the time. Then all of a sudden, usually triggered by the smallest thing, it'll hit me in the face like a ton of bricks - this isn't how it's supposed to be. And that hurts SO MUCH. Life can just be so stinking painful. Why do people who would love and care for their child more than anything in the world have a miscarriage, while another woman who has been blessed with a beautiful young daughter degrades her and tears down her self-esteem without a second thought? Why would a daughter whose parents have loved and sacrificed for and cared for their daughter shove them out of her life and her new marriage? Why do past sins and dark memories continue to haunt me even after I beg God for forgiveness and for the ability to move on? Why are people tormented by depression? Life just hurts *so* much *so* often. A lot of people blame this on God, and question why He lets bad things happen to good people. But that's not it!! God loves us SO, SO dearly, and SO, SO perfectly. That kind of makes these things even worse to deal with - we brought them upon ourselves! Now, I'm not saying that these things directly correspond to sins - a kid stole cookies when she was a young and now she has an eating disorder ---- that's not how it works. I think when people ask the "why do bad things happen to good people?" question, it shows that they have a way of thinking that is like the people that were around in Jesus' day. When he met the blind man in John 9, people were asking if it was the man's sins or his parents' sins that caused him to be blind from birth. But that's not it. Jesus instead told them to view this man's blindness as an opportunity for God to reveal His glory. A month or two ago, I heard a sermon on this passage, about how Jesus redeems the tragedies of life.
Like I said, God did not intend for life to be like this. Creation before the Fall did not have this sort of pain and brokenness. But the depravity of mankind has reduced it to its current state. There's a song by Paramore (called "We are Broken") whose lyrics I love because they talk about this HUGE gap between what we were created for and the world we live in. These are the lyrics for the beginning of the song:
Imagine God's sorrow over His "very good" Creation turning from Him and thus bringing inexpressible and unceasing pain to themselves! It makes me heartsick to think of this. Yet God *still* loves us. Whoa. This is what makes life bearable (nay, even ecstatic!) - that God, because of His great and incomprehensible love for us, His weak and fallen creatures, has not given up on us - has not turned us over entirely to our own desires and failings. No, instead He is at work redeeming the very Creation that we have sought to destroy!
So yes, we are so very, very broken, but simultaneously we are so very, very loved! That doesn't mean that life isn't hard anymore, but I think it's absolutely beautiful to consider that as Christians, we are joining in God's work of redeeming the Creation.
I'm absolutely certain that I'll write more about this sometime, because it's something I think about a LOT, but I'm going to stop for now and hopefully do something homework or something...
Like I said, God did not intend for life to be like this. Creation before the Fall did not have this sort of pain and brokenness. But the depravity of mankind has reduced it to its current state. There's a song by Paramore (called "We are Broken") whose lyrics I love because they talk about this HUGE gap between what we were created for and the world we live in. These are the lyrics for the beginning of the song:
"I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
And with my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry
With words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me, yeah
'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence?
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole"
Imagine God's sorrow over His "very good" Creation turning from Him and thus bringing inexpressible and unceasing pain to themselves! It makes me heartsick to think of this. Yet God *still* loves us. Whoa. This is what makes life bearable (nay, even ecstatic!) - that God, because of His great and incomprehensible love for us, His weak and fallen creatures, has not given up on us - has not turned us over entirely to our own desires and failings. No, instead He is at work redeeming the very Creation that we have sought to destroy!
So yes, we are so very, very broken, but simultaneously we are so very, very loved! That doesn't mean that life isn't hard anymore, but I think it's absolutely beautiful to consider that as Christians, we are joining in God's work of redeeming the Creation.
I'm absolutely certain that I'll write more about this sometime, because it's something I think about a LOT, but I'm going to stop for now and hopefully do something homework or something...
Hello, blogging world...
I haven't blogged in a loooooong time. Since June 24, 2008, in fact (oh, xanga). But it felt like time to get back to writing. So here I am. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to write about on this blog, but more and more lately, I've felt like writing (about everything except what I'm supposed to be writing about for school stuff, of course). Therefore, I will write whatever I feel like writing. And that's just how it's going to be. :D
The title of this blog ("Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing") comes from 2 Corinthians 6:
Life is very interesting lately, and God has been teaching me so much, especially over the last few months that I've been at Penn State. I'm hoping this blog will be a good way to engage in conversation about some of those things with those of my friends who will be reading this and to let people know what's going on in my life, especially since I don't see a lot of you all hardly ever anymore, so...if you ever want to discuss something, comment on my posts, or call me! :)
The title of this blog ("Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing") comes from 2 Corinthians 6:
"We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything."
-2 Corinthians 6:3-10, NIV
Life is very interesting lately, and God has been teaching me so much, especially over the last few months that I've been at Penn State. I'm hoping this blog will be a good way to engage in conversation about some of those things with those of my friends who will be reading this and to let people know what's going on in my life, especially since I don't see a lot of you all hardly ever anymore, so...if you ever want to discuss something, comment on my posts, or call me! :)
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