Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross

Once again, it's been far too long since I've written anything for this blog (or anything non-academic, really)... But I felt inspired to write after attending my small group tonight. We're currently reading "Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross: Experiencing the Passion and Power of Easter," which is a compilation of 25 essays having to do with Easter or the events leading up to it. (This will probably be pretty scattered, but I wanted to write down some of the things that stood out to me in tonight's readings and discussion, particularly in the hopes that I'll come back and be reminded of them after I've forgotten them.)

In R. Kent Hughes' essay (he is, btw, a former College Church pastor...love Wheaton connections!), he at one point quotes John 18:2–3, which says: "Now Judas, who betrayed him, knew the place, because Jesus had often met there with his disciples."

I'm sure I've read or heard this like a hundred times in my life. But it really struck me tonight, surrounded as it was by the context of Hughes' essay about Jesus' experience in Gethsemane. Jesus went there often in His lifetime, at least throughout His ministry and time with the disciples. Maybe this is too speculative, but assuming that Jesus knew what Gethsemane would be to Him at this crucial moment during His time of prayer and Judas' subsequent betrayal, it seems suddenly very significant that Jesus went there often. I don't think we're really told about any of those times in the Bible, so we don't really know what His previous experiences there were, but the idea occurred to me (and I kind of like it) that on some level, coming to Gethsemane throughout His ministry may have kept the cross constantly before Him. In other words, it seems to me like the very act of coming to the garden may have put His mission on earth and the task to come at the forefront of His mind and experience even while there was still time left before it would happen.

Another interesting thing presented itself while my small group was discussing J. Ligon Duncan III's essay. In it, he talks a lot about Peter's reaction to seeing Judas approach with a bunch of Roman soldiers. Duncan thinks that for as much as Peter clearly didn't understand Christ's mission, on some level, we have to respect him for having the guts to even try anything when there were so few of them and so many of the crowd and the soldiers. People in small group voiced their different views they've always had about this action, especially followed as it was a short time later by Peter's denial of Jesus.

A few things occurred to me while we were discussing this. First of all, Peter and the other disciples still seemed to be under the impression at this point that Jesus' reign was going to be soon and that it was going to be that of a conquering king. In lieu of that, I wonder if Peter was thinking that this was going to be the turning point for Jesus and His followers, the hour at which the conquering part really began. Seeing the soldiers approaching, perhaps Peter thought that this was going to be the moment that Jesus started conquering the Roman soldiers and ushering in His kingdom. I honestly don't know. We're not told; we can't get inside Peter's brain, but I think it's interesting to wonder if that's what he thought, and if that's why he cut off Malchus' ear. Maybe he thought he was leading the charge. Maybe he thought others would follow.

Again, I don't know for sure if that was the case. But if it was, it does kind of explain the denial, which often seems to us so sudden and such an abrupt change of heart from a guy that had just been willing to cut off a dude's ear for Jesus. If Peter had thought that that was supposed to be the moment the conquering began, how confused and even how hurt must he have been when instead Jesus submitted and was arrested? Maybe it even felt like Jesus was letting him down. Peter had been ready to fight to the death for Jesus; now Jesus was in Roman custody. Things looked bleak. The kingdom Peter had expected (and been ready to fight for) seemed impossibly out of reach. It probably seemed like Jesus wasn't who Peter thought He was (and of course, in a sense, He wasn't). Out of that set of circumstances, a denial—even three denials—seems pretty reasonable to me. I sure don't think I would have done any better. In fact, I don't think I would have even stuck around that close to where Jesus was. I probably would have been bitter and disappointed and scared and completely hopeless. But Peter stuck around for some reason. I don't know why, but part of me likes to think that maybe, just maybe, for as much as he had been crushed by the events in Gethsemane, he still had the tiniest shred of hope that something would happen. That Jesus would somehow turn the situation around. Of course, He eventually did, but not in the way Peter may have thought He would.

But it seems like an interesting lesson. I honestly believe if I had been in Peter's shoes, I would have been so quick to doubt and deny once my expectations for what Jesus was supposed to be were shattered just because He didn't do things the way I predicted. Similarly, I think I do that now. How quick am I to doubt God's plan and power when He acts in a different way or a different timing than I would have expected or chosen? Sometimes, I act and think like my view of Jesus has been shattered because things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. And yet, I need to allow myself—even in those moments of disappointment and even in the face of the invading hopeless that looks to swallow me up—to see the real Jesus that steps out from the broken pieces of the false Jesus I've built up for myself in my head, because the real Jesus is bigger and better and more loving and more perfect than any version I could ever comprehend.

A prayer

God, help me never to be so afraid of what other people might think, or how they might judge me, that I hesitate to share my weaknesses.

If Your power is made perfect in weakness, I should, as the Bible says, boast in my weaknesses all the more. Help me to do so without fear, trusting that the judgment of man is meaningless to a child of the King.

Help me also to trust that when You give me opportunities to share my weaknesses, it's for a reason, even if I don't know what that reason is. Remind me of the limited nature of my own understanding, and that I don't ever know how or when You will use the various circumstances of my life to teach me—or how or when you will use my experiences in the lives of others! Your thoughts and Your ways are so much higher than mine, LORD.

God, give me the strength and the desire to follow boldly wherever You lead.

Amen.

big problems, little problems...

What a week it has been, both on a large scale for the whole country and on a small country in my own life and the lives of people I know.

-28 people dead in Connecticut in a shooting at an elementary school.

-An old college friend's brother in the hospital with antibotic-resistant pneumonia and kidney failure.

-Friends struggling with unemployment, depression, financial problems, family issues, and so much more.

-Daily struggles in relationships and learning how to follow God better.

-Final exams and papers.

Two major things have come to mind after all these events that have taken place in the last week:

-First of all, how blessed I am and how small my problems are compared to what they could be. An event like the one that happened in CT this past week makes me feel almost ashamed for getting overwhelmed over final papers. It also makes me realize how ungrateful I am, how much I take things for granted—not least of all, how much I take God's Word and the hope that I have in Him for granted. Obviously I cannot imagine going through such an unspeakable tragedy like the families of those lost in CT this week. But I also cannot imagine living in a world where such tragedies happen without knowing that God is God. People question how God could let these things happen, where He was in a situation like this, and so on. And it's hard not to wonder why such a thing happened, least of all at an elementary school. It's heartbreaking. But at the end of the day, I know God is sovereign, and I know God is loving. No, it's not "fair" for these things to happen. No, it doesn't take away the pain. We live in a tragically broken world. But praise God, there is hope beyond this world and the brokenness that fills it. By the grace of God, one day this broken, tragic world will pass away, and instead we will be in a perfect, holy, new, unblemished one. No more sin, no more pain, no more tears, no more brokenness. Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

-The second thing that has been on my mind in light of all these events of the past week is that even while I make too big a deal of things I shouldn't, and even while I don't realize how good I have things, and even while my priorities are such that I think my life is overwhelming over things that are ultimately *so* insignificant…God still cares. God is God. He cares not only about the big problems like a senseless killing spree, but also about the little problems, like a fifteen-page paper that's stressing me out. This is not at ALL to say that my problems are equally important in any way to those of the families in CT, but to say that God cares about them all. His eye is on the rise and fall of cities, yes, but also on the sparrow. If something matters to me, if something effects my daily life, God not only knows about it, but also cares about it, and cares about bringing me nearer and nearer to Him through it.

God, whether our problems be big or small, thank You for knowing them and knowing how they make war upon our souls, threatening to drown us with each passing moment. Sustain us, O God. Let us not go down to the pit, but place our feet on the solid ground of your love and provision, despite the ever-growing turmoil that threatens to turn us aside. Help us to trust You with our problems. Help us to draw nearer and nearer to You with each new attack that Satan, our own fallenness, and the brokenness of this world bring upon us. Save us, O LORD. Help us not to let any problem, big or small, turn us from You. Kyrie eleison.

MMXII, part two...

I'm weirdly excited for 2012. I don't remember ever being really excited for a new year until now, but for some reason I am. Maybe it's because the world's supposed to end this year. Maybe it's because even if that doesn't happen, a lot of other stuff will - like finishing my thesis, graduating with my master's degree, moving to [insert one of about six places here], starting a doctoral program (Lord willing), and who knows what else. But I think more likely, it's because lately I've really been learning to trust God and to see the work He's doing in my life in a way I never have before, and as a result, I see the 366 days of this new year as infinite possibilities for Him to love me, to protect me, to care for me, and to teach me.

I think it's also because I'm excited about my resolutions. I know resolutions are rarely ever kept, and that's part of the reason why I've made sort of unusual ones...ones that go a different direction than the ridiculous and unattainable goals of losing 250 pounds and getting a six-pack and reading every classic book ever written and learning two new languages and being a better person that people usually aspire to.

So that's why my first resolution is to focus more on thankfulness and joy, as I posted about last time. My second resolution is to do new things in 2012...I'm tempted to say 50 new things, and I think that's probably an attainable number, but I'm honestly not too concerned with the number of new things, so much as just the attitude of being open to new opportunities and growth, and of being aware of the way I use these opportunities and growth. That said, I'm going to do new things this year...I've got a few ideas written down of things I specifically intend to do, but mostly I'm just going to take things as they come...and photo-document as many of them as I can, and put them in a scrapbook so that in 366 days, I can look back on 2012 and all of the new experiences it's brought!

My third resolution is boring, and (sadly and rather oddly) probably the one I'm least likely to keep, but I'll share it anyway. It is, simply, to keep up with cleaning my apartment (especially the kitchen). I believe it is one of my most moronic traits that I do not make myself spend 5 minutes a day tidying things up, but instead always wait until things get kinda out of control...even though I know that if I spend 5 minutes a day cleaning, I will keep things clean, and if I keep things clean, I will be infinitely less stressed out (messy apartment=oppressive to my soul).

But anyway, it's almost 2 AM, and past my bedtime (maybe my fourth resolution should be to sleep at normal human hours...but let's face it, that's probably never going to happen, least of all while I'm in grad school!), so I am off to bed. Happy 2012!

MMXII...

So as the new year approaches, I've been thinking about resolutions. Where is my life now and where do I want it to go this year? That's a loaded question for someone who could end up in one of about eight different places next year. But that's a whole other blogpost...

Looking back over the last year, I'm truly amazed at how God has worked in my life - all the things He's taught me and all the ways He's changed me. It's really wonderful to see just how involved God is in my life. Sometimes I don't realize the ways He's growing me until they've already happened, and sometimes I see it as it's going on, but either way, it really is just incredible, and I just feel like I cannot say that enough. :')

Anyway, back to the resolutions...one thing that's really been on my mind lately is the need to have a thankful heart.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says: "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

So I guess that's what I'm feeling the need to pursue this year. And so I'm planning on doing what DAVO has dubbed "1000 things to be thankful for in 2012"... I'm going to take time every single day to write (in a yet-to-be-purchased fabulous new journal) what I'm thankful for. My goal is to do about 5 things a day, although 1000 would only take 2-3 a day, so there's some flexibility there. Over the past several years especially, I've loved writing down ways God has been faithful (through journaling or blogging or whatever else), because it's so absolutely wonderful to look back on those things later, especially in times of great struggle. That said, I'm really excited to spend an entire year recording all the ways in which God provides for me. Plus this ties into two HUGE themes that God has brought up again and again in my life for a long time now - manna and remembering.

Well, it's almost 3 AM and I'm tired and don't have much more to say, except that anyone reading this should join me in finding "1000 things to be thankful for in 2012"! I'm so absolutely looking forward to God teaching me through this and I'll definitely be posting some of the things I'm thankful for throughout the year! :)

Buechner + Christmas

So since it's pretty much been the year of Buechner for me, I figured I'd post some Buechner quotes on Christmas tonight...enjoy! :)

"The birth of Jesus made possible not just a new way of understanding life but a new way of living it."

"Back then to the essential message of Christmas which is Emmanuel, God with us, and to the questions it raises: Who is this God and how is he with us? "The high and lofty One who inhabits eternity" is the answer to the first. The One who is with us is the One whom none can look upon because the space-and-time human mind can no more comprehend fully the spaceless, timeless Reality of the One than the eyes of the blind can comprehend light. The One who is with us is the One who has made himself known at most only partially and dimly through the pantomime of nature and history and the eloquent but always garbled utterance of prophets, saints, and mystics."

"It seems to me one of the miracles of the Christian faith is that the feast of Christmas survives what we have done to it -- all the hoopla, clap-trap, commercialism and all the rest of it that I don't even need to go into because everybody knows what it is. Yet, somehow it does survive. This extraordinary moment when the whole year slows down and you point to this unimaginable event where God somehow became made flesh. It is so cataclysmic; it is so extraordinary; we try to make it habitable; we try to make it cozy; we make creches and we sing Christmas carols. At best, it can be touching and real. At its worst it can be cheap and banal. What often occurs to me about Christmas is that if it is really true, if the word really became flesh, if the mystery behind all that really took the form of a human life, this vulnerable, tiny human life whose skull you could have crushed with one hand, then there must have been extraordinary anguish and intergalactic struggle to have this extraordinary thing come to pass. It wasn't an easy thing to happen. There is a kind of terror about Christmas, a kind of holiness and awesomeness about Christmas that we tend to forget. The resurrection and the life came down and tasted the bitterness of death."

"Christmas itself is by grace. It could never have survived our own blindness and depredations otherwise. It could never have happened otherwise. Perhaps it is the very wildness and strangeness of the grace that has led us to try to tame it. We have tried to make it habitable. We have roofed it and furnished it. We have reduced it to an occasion we feel at home with, at best a touching and beautiful occasion, at worst a trite and cloying one. But if the Christmas event in itself is indeed—as a matter of cold, hard fact—all its cracked up to be, then eve at best our efforts are misleading.

The Word became flesh. Ultimate Mystery born with a skull you could crush one-handed. Incarnation. It is not tame. It is not beautiful. It is uninhabitable terror. It is unthinkable darkness riven with unbearable light. Agonized laboring led to it, vast upheavals of intergalactic space, time split apart, a wrenching and tearing of the very sinews of reality itself. You can only cover your eyes and shudder before it, before this: “God of God, Light of Light, very God of very God… who for us and for our salvation,” as the Nicene Creed puts it, “came down from heaven.”

Came down. Only then do we dare uncover our eyes and see what we can see. It is the Resurrection and the Life she holds in her arms. It is the bitterness of death he takes at her breast."

Thoughts from a blissful Sabbath...

First off, let me just say, I love the Sabbath. I haven't kept it perfectly all my life, but I think it's one of the (sooooooo many) things God's been teaching me over the last few years, and I think it is absolutely one of the most beautiful gifts God has given us (if we would actually let Him).

In Mark 2:27, Jesus says "The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath."

In other words, God knows how much we need to Sabbath even more than we do. And so He gave us the command to REST. I know some people who don't shop or clean or run errands or anything on the Sabbath, and I don't usually treat it quite that way (sometimes those can be hugely worshipful activities for me...but that's a different story)... But regardless of what people do or don't do on the Sabbath, I think it's so incredibly important to use it as a day of rest from the things you need rest from, and it's glorious when you do.

I came across this quote probably five years ago, and it's always stuck with me:

"To put it another way, the rest God instituted was meant first and foremost to cause us to interpret our work, to press meaning into it, to make sure we know to whom it is properly dedicated."

I think this is such a good way to think about it. I know personally, when I get so busy with classes and teaching and grading (and applications, lately), I start to lose my sense of meaning. I trudge through daily life as if with blinders on, only able to see well enough to put one foot in front of the other, not aware of my surroundings, just struggling to survive. And this just isn't how God meant for us to live!

So every seven days, God sits me down, takes off the blinders, gently lifts my head up, opens my eyes, and invites me to glory in the bigger picture, to be refreshed by Him, to be reminded of the greater purpose in everything I've been doing all week. He invites me to BE, and not to DO. And it's amazing. I didn't really Sabbath intentionally for like the first twenty years of my life. Going into senior year at Wheaton, I was about to apply to grad schools, and knew from experience how crazy that could make a person, so I decided to be very intentional with my Sabbath. I'm sure I didn't do it perfectly, but it was a beautiful experience, and I know that God used it to help me to trust Him with my future and to not completely lose my mind.

This year (after a summer of working far too many Sunday brunches), I decided to do the same thing for basically the same reasons, and once again it's been beautiful, and I look forward so greatly to the Sabbath. I'll admit, in some ways, it's a little bit stressful, because at the back of my mind, there is a little voice telling me about all the stuff I should be doing. But the more I Sabbath, the quieter that voice is, because I know I'm not even going to give myself that option. And it's so freeing! The other six days, I always feel the pressure of this world and like I should be doing work constantly. Then the Sabbath comes and I know that I don't have to do, but only to be, and that's amazingly refreshing.

I've spent a lot of Sabbaths lately listening to sermons from my three favorite churches/pastors (Redeemer Presbyterian/Tim Keller, Red Rocks/Chad Bruegman and Shawn Johnson, and Mars Hill/Mark Driscoll), listening/worshiping/dancing to music (so much Gungor :) ), reading, talking to friends, leading the high school girls' Bible study, helping out with youth group, and just resting. God has used all these to just fill me up spiritually and revive my soul in exactly the way I need after it has been battered and worn out week after week. Without these days of refreshment and revitalization, honestly, I don't know how I'd be surviving this semester. And God absolutely uses them to re-fill me with joy even in the midst of all the stress and difficulty and bad circumstances that come into my life.

That's about all I have to say right now, except for...thank You Abba for the Sabbath! :')