Brokenness, part two: some thoughts on friendship...

As all two or so of you who read this blog probably know, and as I've mentioned a little bit in previous posts, I think about brokenness pretty often. I guess living in this world, everyone kinda thinks about the concept a lot, if not explicitly in those terms...

I wrote a post back in October about how Jesus redeems the tragedies of life.

But what I've been realizing lately is that a lot of times, we don't really let Him do that (n.b. this isn't to say that I think human beings can actually stop Jesus from doing anything). I guess what I mean is, even though we talk about how God is able to do all things, and we read about some of the miracles He performed in the Bible (total sidebar: I say some of the miracles because, as one of my favorite verses - and, yes, I do say that about, like, 327 different verses - points out, "Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written" (John 21:25)...how crazy and awesome is that?!?...but I digress...), and we even look back on all the miraculous ways He's worked in our own lives, in a lot of ways we still don't expect Him to do great things in our lives. We don't really give Him opportunities to transform our lives so that they look radically different than the rest of the world.

That realization has been hitting me again and again over the past few years, and especially lately. And you know what? I don't want to live like that. I don't want to live a life of saying I believe God can do miracles, but not expecting Him to, or not giving Him every opportunity to do so.

Of course, there is going to be brokenness in life. This world is fallen. But I don't think that means we should act like that's okay. I don't think that means we should settle for living in that brokenness. I don't think we should accept that brokenness as how it's meant to be, because that's simply not the case. I think Satan really tries to make Christians think that we ought to respond the way the rest of the world does to all the broken situations and relationships of life. And, much of the time, I'm afraid we believe him.

I have no words to adequately express how much my heart hurts at that, mourns for that, revolts against that. People, this is NOT how it's supposed to be.

One of the ways in which I feel this most deeply is in broken relationships. Aside from my relationship with God, my relationships with people are the most important thing on this earth to me. And I work hard to keep up with them. Sometimes they ebb and flow, and that's natural, but I try really hard to find time for them even when life gets crazy, because investing in people is both one of my greatest joys and one of my highest priorities.

But there are a few people whose friendship I have lost over the last couple years, and this has honestly been one of the most painful things in the world to me. To know that there is anyone out there to whom I am estranged goes against everything I care about and everything I want to be. Unfortunately, in some cases, I've had to learn that there is only so much I can do. Apparently not everyone shares my beliefs about what friendship is and should be (to quote Augustine, "Well said one of his friend, 'Thou half of my soul:' for I felt that my soul and his soul were 'one soul in two bodies'"...), and apparently not everyone believes that the sacred bond of friendship need never be broken.

This isn't to say that there aren't people I've struggled to be friends with, or times when I've been tempted to throw in the towel. But the thing is...I'm willing to struggle. I think it's okay (not in the sense that it's the way it's supposed to be, but that since we're living in a fallen world, it's going to happen) that it's a struggle sometimes. Some of my dearest friends are the ones with whom I've had the most conflict. But that only works if both people are ultimately willing to stop at nothing in pursuit of the friendship. If one or both people run at the first sign of difficulty, there's not much that can be done.

What really gets to me is when people try to advise me to give up on a difficult friendship (especially when it's a friendship between two Christians). If any of my readers have done this, I'm not condemning you for that, and I do understand that that advice comes from a well-meaning place. Sometimes friendships go through periods during which they are difficult and painful. But I don't think that ever means we should give up on a friendship. I just can't believe that God would EVER have it in His plan for two of His children to remain unrighteous (not in right relationship) with each other.

So here I am, saying it for all of my vast readership to hear: By the grace of God, I will not settle for what the rest of the world accepts as normal. By the grace of God, I will never give up on a friendship, even when it's difficult or painful. By the grace of God, I will never put up with the hardships Satan tries to throw into my relationships without a fight. By the grace of God, I will keep on loving, no matter how the other person treats me.

I believe in the power of God to redeem situations and relationships that to all human understanding are irredeemable.

I believe in the power of God to make broken things beautiful.

More of you and less of me, Jesus.

The Most Important Thing I've Learned in Grad School............

..........is that grad school is pointless. And that music theory is pointless. And that academia is really pointless.

Academia is the kind of thing that wants and tries to consume your life. It has certainly succeeded in doing that to me at various points. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of everything - in the work and the deadlines and the constant striving to achieve the next level of proof that you are qualified to do/say anything in your field. But personally, I find that it's these times when I let myself get caught up in academia that I hate it the most. Academia for its own sake is miserable. When I let my life become only about academia, I am miserable and unhappy and generally discontent with life...because it's supposed to be about so much more!

It's at this point that I usually question whether I should even be studying music theory, whether I should be in grad school at all, whether I actually want to pursue a career in an academic field. I still don't know the answer to these questions. But whether or not I remain in academia, these struggles have taught me something which will (hopefully) stick with me no matter what field I pursue - that earthly things, if pursued for their own sake, are unsatisfying and pointless. This isn't to say that I've realized I can't glorify God with music theory, I just have learned that there always needs to be more. That said, I'm still not sure what my future with academia is...whether I'll stick with it or find something else to do...but I do know that regardless, my life will never be all about my career (which is a pretty cool discovery for someone like me who has always thought that my career was super important).

Right now, I feel pretty okay about grad school, and music theory, and being in an academic field. This isn't to say that I don't find them stupid sometimes, but having learned that these things are pointless, I've changed my life to include things that actually mean something. Being in Bible studies and working with the youth group at my church have definitely helped. Taking time to invest in people is good, too. And taking more time to pursue things that will edify me (spiritually, mentally, and emotionally) has really changed my perspective on life. Reading books about things that matter (right now, it's Buechner), spending more time with God, blogging, talking about and studying with friends things that actually have eternal significance...it puts things into the right perspective. And thank God for that.


Speaking of Buechner, in "The Birth," he writes from the perspective of the innkeeper, a wise man, and a shepherd about the birth of Jesus. The innkeeper's perspective fits in with what I've been writing about pretty well...basically, his life is consumed with his work and everything he has to do.

"I speak to you as men of the world," said the Innkeeper. "Not as idealists, but as realists. Do you know what it is like to run an inn--to run a business, a family, to run anything in this world for that matter, even your own life? It is like being lost in a forest of a million trees," said the Innkeeper, "and each tree is a thing to be done. Is there fresh linen on all the beds? Did the children put on their coats before they went out? Has the letter been written, the book read? Is there money enough left in the bank? Today we have food in our bellies and clothes on our backs, but what can we do to make sure that we will have them still tomorrow? A million trees. A million things.

"Until finally we have eyes for nothing else, and whatever we see turns into a thing. The sparrow lying in the dust at your feet--just a thing to be kicked out of the way, not the mystery of death. The calling of children outside your window--just a distraction, an irrelevance, not life, not the wildest miracle of them all. That whispering in the air that comes sudden and soft from nowhere--only the wind, the wind..."

At the end of this section, the innkeeper says,

"But this I do know. My own true love. All your life long, you wait for your own true love to come--we all of us do--our destiny, our joy, our heart's desire. So how am I to say it, gentlemen? When he came, I missed him."

People...we need to make sure we don't miss him. We need to make sure that all of the busyness, all of the million trees in the forest don't make us miss the reason for it all.

God has a plan for my life (and so does Satan)...

It seems like Christians love telling other people that God has a plan for their lives. This is something we particularly like to turn to when things are going bad - it's okay, God has a plan for our lives. He is all-powerful, He is in control, He is going to work everything out for the good of those who love Him. He is working in our lives, and He can do amazing things. And this is true. And this is wonderful. And this is GOOD.

However, I think Christians neglect to look at the other side of this whole plan-for-our-lives thing. Satan also has a plan for our lives. Satan is also working hard in our lives, and Satan can also do some pretty amazing (in a very different way from the kind of amazing we relate to God, of course) things. 1 Peter 5:8 describes Satan's work by saying:

Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

And just three chapters into the Bible (Genesis 3:1-7), we see Satan already prowling around, already influencing and corrupting and speaking lies to the first woman.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”“You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

The serpent is described here as "crafty," which can be defined as "skillful in underhand or evil schemes; cunning; deceitful; sly." And we see that he really does exhibit these characteristics with the woman - he doesn't just come out and say "I know God said this was wrong, but I want you to do it anyway." No, instead, he lures the woman into a conversation and confuses and deceives her into thinking that to eat the fruit will actually enable her to better fulfill her role as helper (my new book obsession, Pure Heart, talks about this a lot). The woman got so lost in the thought of having something that would make her even better at fulfilling her role that she forgot that God had already provided her with everything she needed, and that He would not withhold something that she needed to fulfill her role as helper (how often are we guilty of this?!?). So the woman took and ate, and the man also ate, and thus was mankind's lifelong struggle sealed. Here we see that Satan makes us question whether or not God has sufficiently equipped us to do the work He has prepared for us. His tactic here does not consist of directly telling the woman, who KNEW God, to disobey Him, but instead he confuses and deceives her into thinking that God has not provided enough for her. Satan tries to trick us into believing that God is not sufficient for all of our needs, and also that He does not want what is best for His children.

Let's look at Job now (you can read it here). Here's this righteous man, who is actually described as "blameless and upright," and who "feared God and shunned evil," and Satan comes after him. Job was a threat to Satan's work, and so Satan launched his attack. I think what's awesome in this story is that we see that Satan is still subject to God's authority, even though he's Satan. Satan, many versions tell us in a footnote here, means "accuser." And that's exactly what Satan does - he stands before God and accuses Job. Now, Satan doesn't really have anything to accuse Job of - he's a good guy! - so he basically tells God that if Job wasn't so blessed, he would curse God to His face. So God gives Satan PERMISSION to do what he will with Job's possessions, family, etc. And so the story goes. Revelation 12:10 sums up this role of Satan pretty well - it says that he accuses us before God day and night! Now, I would definitely say that in addition to standing before God and accusing us, Satan accuses us to our own faces. Fortunately we know that God is never going to be swayed by Satan to see us as anything other than what we are - bought and saved by the blood of Christ, but we ourselves often fall prey to his accusations. Based off of my own experience and those of some people I've talked to about this, I think the accusations Satan whispers in our ears are very often reminders of our own sins. The thing is...in a sense, he's right - these are things we are guilty of. However, that doesn't mean that we STAY guilty of them. Satan tries to trap us into false guilt, which pulls us into vicious cycles of self-loathing and insecurity, while God calls us to conviction, confession, and redemption! Once again, Satan is telling us that God is not enough...and yet we believe him!

Fortunately, God does not leave us alone in this struggle against Satan's schemes. Ephesians 6:10-18 talks about the armor of God, which is given to us so that we can resist Satan's schemes!:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

God provides us with truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, and the Spirit, that we might not be consumed by the lies and treachery of the devil. Hallelujah! This language of war and armor is no coincidence - people, we are at WAR with Satan and his followers! Let us not forget this!

I remember learning in my ninth grade doctrine class (taught by a wonderful man who changed my entire conception of who God is and what the Bible is all about, and who has since gone to be with God) about Genesis 3:15 as the protoevangelium, or "first Gospel."

"And I will put enmity   between you and the woman,   and between your offspring and hers;he will crush your head,   and you will strike his heel.”

In this verse, the entire history of mankind is summed up - there is enmity between mankind and Satan, but One (Jesus) will come who will crush Satan's head, even as Satan is crushing His heel. And so, three chapters into the Bible, we find out that we have already won the war! Praise the LORD! This certainly doesn't mean that battles against Satan aren't difficult...we've already seen that he is good at the evil he is working in the world. But how awesome to know that we have already won - that Christ has already conquered! Not only is there hope, there is certainty of our victory in Christ! Hallelujah!

Going back to Revelation 12, here are verses 9 and 10 that pretty much sum up Satan's defeat:

The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:   “Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God,   and the authority of his Christ.For the accuser of our brothers,   who accuses them before our God day and night,   has been hurled down.

I guess all this is to say....let us REJOICE that Satan has already been defeated, but also let us be on our guards for the ways that Satan tries to work in our lives. We have no room in our lives for his lies or his work or his plans. To God be the glory forever and ever! Amen.

A few scattered thoughts on Heaven...

This is actually a post that I started writing on a sticky on my computer a looooong time ago and never finished. I figured it was about time to get around to it! :)

So I've been thinking about heaven lately. Really, it mostly started over chorale tour over spring break last year. We sang a Copland arrangement of the hymn "Shall We Gather at the River?," the full text of which is:

1. Shall we gather at the river,
   Where bright angel feet have trod,
   With its crystal tide forever
   Flowing by the throne of God?
• Refrain:
  Yes, we’ll gather at the river,
  The beautiful, the beautiful river;
  Gather with the saints at the river
  That flows by the throne of God.
2. On the margin of the river,
   Washing up its silver spray,
   We will talk and worship ever,
   All the happy golden day.
3. Ere we reach the shining river,
   Lay we every burden down;
   Grace our spirits will deliver,
   And provide a robe and crown.
4. At the smiling of the river,
   Mirror of the Savior’s face,
   Saints, whom death will never sever,
   Lift their songs of saving grace.
5. Soon we’ll reach the silver river,
   Soon our pilgrimage will cease;
   Soon our happy hearts will quiver
   With the melody of peace.

Singing this so many times in Chorale, and especially at a time where I was thinking about leaving Wheaton and not seeing a lot of people for a long time, and maybe not seeing some people ever again, was really, really hard. I think I probably had tears welling up in my eyes every time we sang this song.

I have to say, I'm really excited for heaven, and this song is a good example of why. For one thing, how amazing is it to think about someday gathering at the river with all of the other Christians from all of eternity??? This means not only the people that we knew and loved on earth, but also every single other believer from the beginning of time to the end of this world. Whoa.

Singing this on tour, it just filled me with such joy that even though a separation from so many people I love was fast approaching, it was only a temporary one! One day I will see all of these people who I have come to love so dearly again and that I will NEVER BE SEPARATED FROM THEM AGAIN! And even more so, the same is true of God! When I get to heaven, I will no longer feel torn between earthly and heavenly pursuits. I will no longer struggle with how to worship God with tasks that don't really feel all that worshipful most of the time. I will no longer be in pain, or feel sorrow or shame, or shed tears (the bad kind of tears, that is......I kinda think I'm going to :') a whole lot in heaven!).

One thing that I think about heaven a LOT is that when I get there, I will no longer perform ANY activity without it being an act of worship to God. This is how we're supposed to live now, and we in our human weakness just *cannot* figure it out! And it's so frustrating!...we know with our minds that everything should be done as if for the Lord, but we just can't get our sinful selves to do this. This is one of those ways in which I feel incredibly torn (I don't know if that's the right word, but it's late) as a Christian. So it's just way exciting to me that in heaven, this will no longer be a problem. I don't know what heaven's really going to be like, but I think that there will be work there (there was work in the Garden, so why not in the City?), and it will be work (and relationships and so many other things) done in the way that we are MEANT to experience them, and that is just pretty darn exciting.

I don't really have a good conclusion for this, other than to say that I'm really really excited for heaven...and at the risk of sounding über cheesy, I'm really really excited for all of the people that I'm going to see up there and how righteous (in the sense of "in right relationship," not some hippie sort of lingo) all of my relationships are going to be. No more broken relationships...that's just too wonderful to even fathom. :')

And now, I'm tired. This has been really scattered (written as it was in small pieces over the course of several months), but oh well. Good night.

Lady Gaga...

So I haven't blogged in a while. Oops. Now that I'm...hopefully...getting this semester under control, I'm definitely going to try to be more consistent about that.

For all four of you that read this, you probably know really well that I don't wanna have kids. A lot of that is that I'm pretty much a tocophobic (check it out...I'm not the only one!). But honestly, the last few months have made me realize it's so much more than that (although seriously...childbirth is just disgusting...and unnatural...which everyone thinks I'm crazy for saying, I know...but childbirth changed as a result of sin, sooooooo it's totally not how it's supposed to be).

Anyway...a few months ago, my grandmom sent me some newsletter she gets with an article in it called "Lady Gaga and the Pornification of America" (you can read it online here). Basically it talks about how Lady Gaga (and other entertainment icons/idols) are transforming pop culture into porn culture. The article also mentions that many of Gaga's fans are young children. Gaga calls these fans her "Little Monsters," and claims to love them (and I mean, she tattooed "Little Monsters" on her forearm and tweets about them all the time, so how could she not be sincere???). I listened to Lady Gaga for a long while. I even owned a bunch of her music. Let's face it...it's REALLY catchy. But a while ago, a friend and I decided to make a pact not to listen to her anymore. And then I read this article. And now I have to say I have absolutely zero desire to listen to her anymore.

Maybe I shouldn't have this double standard, but it didn't seem super harmful to me as a 22-year old who's already pretty well grounded and has, y'know, morals, and is not very likely to fly off the deep end and start dressing and acting like a slut, to listen to Lady Gaga. But the thought of an 8-year old girl (and one is quoted in the aforementioned article) - a child - listening to Gaga's music, watching her music videos, heck, even looking at her outfits...well, honestly, it makes me sick. I could go on about this for awhile, and the damage that Gaga and others are doing to our culture, but ya'll probably don't wanna read a tome about this.

After reading this article, I was pretty het up for awhile (that's one of my new favorite phrases, I don't even know where I got it, but I think it works)...but after a few weeks kinda moved on with my life. Right now, though, I've started thinking about it again because of a book I'm reading. The book is called "Pure Heart: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Integrity," by Shellie R. Warren, and so far I LOVE it. The church needs people like Shellie to talk honestly and boldly about sexual sin (on that note, check out xxxchurch.com, an organization that Shellie is a part of that is definitely doing that...and there's also a book for men by Craig Gross, founder of the site, on sort of the same subject).

Anyway, today I was reading a chapter of Pure Heart about media and sexuality that talks about how overexposed we are to sex in today's culture. And it makes my heart hurt. Shellie quotes from a conversation she had with her mom about raising kids in today's culture. Her mom said:

"The Bible says there is nothing new under the sun, but in my day, even when you were little, if people wanted porn, they would have to go to the other side of town, be a certain age, and pay for it in a store. Now children can download it on the internet, see sex scenes on regular sitcoms, and look at nearly naked women on billboards. I don't know what I would do if I had to raise you in all of that and still have to tell you not to think about sex."

And I have to agree. I can't even begin to comprehend how I would raise a child in today's culture. The thought just hurts. This is not how it's supposed to be. I just keep coming back to that thought again and again, in all areas of life. I guess the thought of raising a young girl especially hurts (not that boys don't face tons of problems because of today's culture, but my heart particularly aches for girls dealing with all this junk). I mean...look at the magazines for women that are out there right now. Cosmo, Glamour, even Seventeen...almost every single magazine out there is telling girls and women that they're not good enough as they are. And I don't just mean giving hair and makeup advice (for the record, I subscribe to and love InStyle and I think on the whole it avoids the kind of stuff I'm talking about). These magazines constantly inundate their female readers (and anyone who ever goes to a grocery store or CVS or Walgreens) with the message that we are not beautiful enough, that we are not sexy enough, that we are not skilled enough at sex to keep our men, and that we are not wearing the right clothes, shoes, makeup, or lingerie, AND that if we take their advice, everything in our lives will be better. As if some magazine columnist can solve all of our problems. As if she even knows what sex is really REALLY meant to be. It's sickening.

I don't know what else to say. Our culture's views on sexuality are so, so, so, so, so far off base and this makes me heartsick. And I don't think the church is doing that well either (I mean...in my experience the church avoids a lot of the secular problems, but only to find its own). It's just not right. I could probably write a ton more about this subject and lots of related ones, and I'm sure I will at some point, but I've already written a lot and I don't really know where to go next anyway, so I'll close with a few more quotes. The first is from a so-called "sex expert" that Shellie Warren interviewed once. He said:

"Young men learn about sex from porn and young women learn from women's magazines. You put those two people in the dark and all you get is one big mess."

I think that sums up the current state of sexuality in our culture right now - one big mess. There is so much work to be done.

My final quote is from Proverbs 31. It talks about the wife of noble character, and it is such a far cry from what Cosmo, Lady Gaga, and Hollywood are telling us women to be:

"A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
   and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
   bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
   her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
   and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
   and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
   and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

MMXI...

At the request of Schkundrat and Brett Bretterson, here is a sort of update on my life for the New Year...................

ONE Nonsensical Sentence For Your Reading Enjoyment

1. The spotted snail slithered down the street whilst whistling waltzes with his furry feline friend, Felix.

TWO Serious Summaries Of This Year To Follow That Strange Beginning

1. Wheaton is over, Penn State has begun.
2. God is teaching me lots of things.

THREE New Year’s Resolutions

1. Read through the whole Bible.
2. EXERCISE!!!
3. Keep up with this blog! :)

FOUR Things I’m Thankful For

1. God cares about every single thing about me and every single moment of my life.
2. Forgiveness, and that God uses all the mistakes and bad parts of my life to bring me closer to Him.
3. FRIENDS...especially my Wheaties... :)
4. There is more to me than my work.

FIVE Ways God Has Worked In My Life This Year

1. Helping me survive a craaaaaaazy senior year at Wheaton.
2. Working everything out for me to come to Penn State.
3. Giving me a church to get involved in at Penn State so that I can have in-person Christian community again.
4. Giving me so many good, encouraging, and thought-provoking conversations with Wheaton people that have helped me grow.
5. Forgiveness!!! (I'm stealing this one from Schkundrat)...

Sex and the evangelical church, part 1...

I'm writing this at about 5 AM...I can't sleep right now. At first I couldn't sleep because of the recent invasion of my cozy little apartment by a stink bug...he's gone now, but I'm sure there must be more of his kind lurking around, thirsty for blood (yes, I just found out they bite) and vengeance. But now even that's (more or less) fading into the background as another issue takes precedence in the "keeping me up WAY past my bedtime" scheme. As some of you may know, I'm planning to co-write a book about dating and relationships someday. That said, I am *extremely* interested in all topics related to dating, courtship, marriage, sex, love, romance, and so on. Tonight (and for a while now) I've been researching and thinking about different kinds of sexual sin.



Sexual sin is...different...than any other kind of sin, somehow, at least for humans to deal with. I don't think any other kind of sin feels so shameful to us when we are at last convicted of our wrongs. As a result, Christians don't like to talk about our sexual sin. We keep it hidden. We don't discuss it, or if we do, it's in abstract terms about "oh, yeah, all men struggle with lust sometimes" or "purity in relationships is challenging." But we don't get personal about it. In my experience, the Church really doesn't even like to talk about sex beyond the occasional "hey, save that for marriage, folks." Lately I've been coming to the conclusion that this is one of the greatest and most tragic failings of the modern evangelical church.


I think that in God's eyes, sin is sin. Without the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ covering us, God sees us all as fallen sinners - not only the married man who has an affair, but also the six-year old child who disobeys her father when he tells her to go to bed and she refuses. I think maybe one of the biggest reasons that sexual sin is prominent in today's culture and so hard to conquer is that we treat it so differently than other kinds of sin. There is a certain stigma attached to sexual sin in the church that we don't really see with other kinds of sin, and I think this attitude is really screwing up the evangelical church (n.b. I think that in many ways, sexual sin is more difficult to recover from than other kinds of sin, but I think this is at least in great part due to our treatment of it, not just its inherent qualities...maybe I'll write more on this another time).


When a person commits any kind of sin, it is good and right for him or her to feel some sort of guilt - this is the work of the Holy Spirit in convicting us of our sins. But when a person commits a sexual sin, he or she usually feels something more than this true guilt the Holy Spirit places on our hearts. We as Christians view sexual sin as something so loathsome and dirty and shameful, that we aren't comfortable talking about it to each other. In doing so, we give this kind of sin extraordinary power over us. A sin will not disappear, no matter how many times we feel guilt and shame over it and pray for God to help us conquer it, if it remains hidden in darkness. It is only when we expose our sins to the light of the holy Scriptures and to Christian fellowship and to God's grace that we will ever be able to cast it out of our lives.


This is hard to do.


We in the Church are so scared of admitting to specific sexual sins. But until we do this, these sins will hold power over us.


In addition to losing their hold on us, we also need to expose sexual sins to the light as an example for our brothers and sisters in Christ, especially young believers.


Right now, the Church is failing miserably at educating its young people about sex. At least in the churches I went to growing up, we never really talked about sex beyond "having sex before marriage is bad.....now sign this abstinence pledge so we don't have to worry about you or talk to you about this anymore." People didn't talk about pornography and struggles with homosexuality and masturbation and the like. This is just tragic.


I've had several conversations in my life with guys and girls who struggle with sexual purity. I've definitely had my own struggles with purity at times. Our culture is completely saturated with sex and pornography and acceptance of giving in to whatever desires you have, so it shouldn't be surprising that so many people struggle in this area. The mainstream entertainment industry and the pornography industry are more closely related now than they have ever been before. The internet has made accessing pornographic materials easier than ever before. And yet the Church is still barely addressing these issues. So many of the people I have talked to about these things are confused - confused about how far is too far to go physically with someone you're not married to, confused about whether or not masturbation is wrong, confused about how to handle the ridiculous amount of sex the media is *dumping* upon us. And this is so, so disturbing to me. The Church is failing - it is letting its young people down, and so they remain confused and unsure about what is right and what is wrong, about what is okay and what is not, and so they falter and are unsure about what to do with all these situations which inundate them on a daily basis.


Satan is using this fear and discomfort and awkwardness and shame to deter the Church from its mission. The Enemy is so good at whispering lies to us, at telling us that what we have done is too bad for Jesus to save us, but this is not true! We need to understand that Jesus' blood covers a multitude of sins, even sexual ones! We need to comprehend that no sin is too great or shameful or dark or disgusting for us to be saved!


It's almost 6 AM now, and I have an exam in a few hours, so I really need to stop writing now. I'm sure I'll write more about this sometime, but for now, let me just say:
I *urge* the Church as a whole to step up on this issue, not to shy away from a topic just because it is uncomfortable.
I *urge* Christian men to take leadership in the fight for sexual purity and not to leave physical boundaries up to the decision of the women they date.
I *urge* both Christian men and women who have struggled (and/or continue to struggle) with sexual purity not to be weighed down with false guilt about their sins and forced by the Enemy into feeling like they need to keep their sins secret, but instead to speak without feelings of fear and condemnation (because of the Spirit, who gives life and freedom) - to openly share their struggles with the knowledge that Christ's power brings healing, as well as the understanding that it is only through talking openly about these things that we can make any progress in this realm.